Was anyone really asking for a new Terminator movie? The first two are carved-in-history classics, but Rise of the Machines and Salvation are somewhat less well regarded, so when part five was announced, I don’t think a great many people cared – I certainly didn’t – and when Schwarzenegger declared his involvement, I think most of us were just confused. Regardless, a trailer dropped yesterday for Terminator Genisys, which means it’s time for me to tear it apart.
Hey, remember earlier today, when I said in the Ant-Man Trailer Breakdown that trailers often start with shots of bridges near cities? Told you so. This pays off later on though, kinda.
OK, I’ve watched this trailer through a couple of times now, and I can’t make any sense out of the chronology. I’m going to spend most of this post trying to piece it together and work out how this fits into the Terminator timeline, if at all. For instance, here we see Sarah Conner (Emilia Clarke, replacing Linda Hamilton) walking towards her son John (Some Kid, replacing Edward Furlong, Nick Stahl and Christian Bale), whilst in the background I’m pretty sure the two men waiting by the car are Kyle Reese (Jai Courtenay, replacing Michael Biehn and Anton Yelchin) and a Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger, who should by now have been replaced by The Rock). However, and spoilers for the 31-year old The Terminator, but Kyle Reese is John’s father, having been sent back in time to both save Sarah Connor and knock her up with the zygote that will eventually save mankind from the tyranny of machines. So how is John already there before Reese comes back in time?
Regardless, here’s Sarah Conner having a moment with John, telling him to go, and not to look back. Is he time travelling too? Probably not, because then looking back wouldn’t be needed as a warning. He’s probably just running away, like the stupid cowardly child that he is. Sorry, I really hate Edward Furlong in Terminator 2. I have a lot of aggression to get out over that damn movie-ruining kid.
So, these various shots of mankind destroying itself via technology either come from Sarah’s timeline that she couldn’t prevent, the future timeline within which the robot uprising occurred that Kyle Reese has been sent back from, or maybe both. I don’t know. Either way, rockets:
I’m going to guess this isn’t from a corporate powerpoint presentation showing how fast e-mail travels.
Yep, that’s probably a nuke.
That bridge from earlier? It doesn’t seem to work properly anymore.
Welcome to the future! Jason Clarke is the grown-up John Connor (replacing… oh you get it by now), who hasn’t fared too well in a couple of battles judging by those scars. He has successfully become JOHN CONNOR, SAVIOUR OF MANKIND, and is seen here giving a speech to the remaining rebels.
This is the enemy. Robots. Evil, red-eyed robots with teeth. It’s simple and classic, but I’ve always loved the design of the Terminators. They’re so damn terrifying. Because the background is red.
Apologies, blurry shot, but that’s some kind of cross between Robocop‘s ED-209 and a giant bug from Starship Troopers. What I’m trying to say is, I want one.
John and Kyle, 4th July 2029. 
The big time travel machine. Flux capacitor is fluxing.
Here’s Kyle Reese arriving in the past/present/who the heck knows any more. They’re sticking to the rules of only organic matter can travel back in time, so Jai Courtney will keep up tradition by cropping up naked, this time in the middle of an overpass. Gotta say they need to work on their time travel aim. Land him in a Gap or something, at least a mall so he can nab some clothing. Good thing it’s night though, else all those fancy light effects would look a bit pants. 
And here’s where I start to get concerned that instead of seeing a new Terminator movie, what we’re actually being given is a greatest hits montage of the previous four. As much as I loved the T-1000 from T2, I need something new. Making him Asian does not count as new. Nor does putting him in front of a mirror, that just makes more work for the animators for presumably no reason whatsoever.
Stubby blade arms. Please don’t be alarmed if I refrain from getting excited.
“Come with me if you want to live.” I see. Is the entire script going to be comprised of the other movies as well? Do they think we won’t know it’s a Terminator film if they don’t fill the trailer with the stuff everyone already knows?
Yes, OK, T-1000 getting shot in the eye and it reforming is cool. Fine. Move along.
Ugh. Old Terminator. Logic processors failing. Does not compute. Does not compute. What the hell. Especially does not compute because Sarah Connor is young, and was young when the first Terminator got sent back in The Terminator. Was there another one sent back to kill her parents? And why does he have to push the door down to enter the room? Presumably he’s been there some time, you’d hope he’d know how to use a door by now.
Mostly human exterior, but with parts of the metal endoskeleton showing has always been my favourite look for these ‘bots, so I’m fine with this, especially if that’s some kind of organic-tissue-dissolving acid rain.
Arnie, please, just stop now.
This is the face I made through the entire trailer.
This most definitely was not.
Who-the-what-now? Adult John Connor has come back too? And he got a suit whilst Kyle Reese is in hospital scrubs?
Finally, the T-800 does what I’d dreamed he’d do in T2…
…shooting John Connor square in the chest. It’s 24 years too late, but I’ll take it.
Is that a giant teddy bear that’s had a lobotomy in the background? Why? Of everything in the whole trailer, that’s what I’d like answered first please.
Wait a minute, John’s blood is dancing. Maybe someone’s doing that trick with the magnet and the iron filings. He must eat lots of leafy vegetables and brown rice for his blood to have that much iron in.
Oh no, wait, hang on, John Connor is a robot. Kind of. I think. Seems like this could have been a pretty big spoiler. Good job they didn’t base the entire trailer around it, or some people might have figured it out before seeing the whole movie. Jeez.
Riding a motorbike on top of a bus. I can get behind this idea.
Zombie moment! Any film featuring a hand erupting from the floor and dragging someone down automatically earns some kind of reward. That reward may or may not be me eventually seeing said movie.
This is not an appropriate way to drive a school bus, for many reasons. Hopefully we don’t see any more of this huge and very dramatic set piece in the trailer.
More forced comedy that doesn’t really work and definitely isn’t funny!
Oh, I see. Everyone survives the crash. Thanks, trailer, I was starting to get worried that I’d actually need to see this film to find out literally everything that happens in it. Also, anyone else think that Emilia Clarke should just loosen her left hand a little bit and save us from the franchise-wrecking scourge that is Jai Courtenay? How does this guy get work?
OK, here’s something a bit new, I suppose. It turns out robo-John is made up of teeny-weeny little nanobots – maybe he’s actually Ant-Man and they’re all ants – but whatever they are, they appear to be magnetic, so he’s being gradually worn down by the tiny bots being drawn to a magnet. Either way, you could also look at this image and pretend it’s someone running really fast.
“I’m not machine, not man, I’m more.” You’re android-Voldemort, is what you are. Kyle Reese then tells Sarah that “Whatever they did to John, we need to reverse it.” Pretty sure that however advanced technology gets in the next 14 years, once someone is turned into a robot you can’t un-ring that bell.
The classic exposed eye look, now with added weird wrapped hand thing.
More morphing metal, this time through a broken windscreen.
OK, fine, I’ll see it. If T-1000 is in it as much as he is in the trailer, I’ll be fine I guess. Also, apparently J. K. Simmons and Matt Smith are in the film somewhere too.
It’s a cameo by Jeff Bridges from Tron: Legacy!
Old T-800 vs. young T-800. I’m out again. This is stupid.
That’s it, remind everyone of the stupidly spelled name. Don’t take any heed of the Internet backlash and try to amend the most easily corrected element of the film. Heck, at least get Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford and Peter Gabriel to write the theme song.
Don’t say it. Don’t say it. We know it’ll be in the film somewhere, but you don’t need to say “I’ll be back” in the trailer. Ah nuts, he said it.
Well at least they’re not going to show a robot walking through fire, right? I mean, that’d be too much.
After seeing the trailer, is anyone now more excited to see this film? Am I missing something? Does anyone have access to a time machine I can use to prevent this from happening? And can someone have left a pile of clothes for me by the overpass I’ll come out on?
Terminator Genisys is released in cinemas in July 2015. I’ll probably go see it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy myself.