Conan The Destroyer (1984) Directed by Richard Fleischer. Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Chamberlain, Grace Jones. IMDB says: “Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.”
Conan the Barbarian (1982) was a landmark cult classic, one that inspired many others film-makers to revisit and recreate the swords and sorcery epic during the 80’s, just as John Milius had done in ’82. Due to the sheer popularity and commercial success of the original, it’s only natural that Universal Pictures wanted to fire up the sequel machine for another Ahhhhrnold-tastic adventure in ’84, with the Richard Fleischer directed Conan the Destroyer. In that previous sentence lies the initial problem with Conan The Destroyer, the lack of original director and writer John Milius, who was busy with his acclaimed teen/war flick known as Red Dawn (1984).
In Conan II, our beloved barbarian is tasked with leading a 15-year-old girl to a magical horn, which only she can touch (insert innuendo here). As a reward, Conan is promised the resurrection of his dead lover Valeria (a lie), but first, Conan will have to face his most brutal foe yet – former NBA center Wilt Chamberlain. As his journey progresses, Conan learns the horn is capable of resurrecting the god Dagoth (otherwise known as Andre the Giant), who would usher the world into a time of unspeakable evil, if unleashed.
The good news is the action sequences in Conan the Destroyer still hold up, they’re well choreographed, well paced and quite frequent. Everything else is bad, or mostly bad. John’s script for the original was barbaric, brutal, destructive and bloody, much like the stories. In contrast, Stanley Mann’s script is hammy, ridiculous, heavily cliche’d and quite slow. But as absurd as Mann’s story was, there was never a dull moment and it was still quite entertaining, in a popcorn guzzling B-movie way. Why can only a 15-year-old girl touch the horn? Why is the crystal palace Wizard’s only power to turn himself into a weird mirror snake thing? Why does the big monster finale look like he belongs in an episode of Power Rangers? Who knows, but it’s all part of Conan the Destroyer‘s charm.
Conan I had a much better cast of companions, they felt like a group, or a family, everyone added something to the concoction. In Conan II, we’re left with Aiko the wizard, Zula the bandit, Malak the thief and the traitorous Bombaata. Aiko’s the only other character besides Conan to reprise his role and he has like 2 lines. Tracey Walter’s surprisingly British thief is just the worst, Grace Jones’ acting debut as Zula is surprisingly good, but wholly unnecessary, while Wilt Chamberlain was clearly only cast because of his height. Other than that, you’re left with the impeccable Arnie and swooning teenager Olivia d’Abo.
Conan the Destroyer isn’t a film to remember unlike it’s predecessor, but that’s okay. It’s corny and ridiculous, but generally quite fun if you’re in the mood. If you’re a die-hard fan of the original, or Arnie’s more serious affairs, I’d give it a miss, but if you’ve a decent sense of humor, step this way.
